Tuesdays with Marty - Marty's guide to surviving the Panic

I don't know if you read the news papers. Or watch T.V. Or surf the web. Or subscribe to periodicals. Or talk to people. But if you do any of those things, you may have heard reference to a looming recession. This won't be the first, or last time you will here these words. Not in this year, or your life time.

The fact is the economic cycle is, well, cyclical. These panics, recession, downturns or what have yous happen every so often. But just because they are inevitable doesn't mean they aren't painful. But they don't have to be. Why you ask? The answer is Marty.

Marty was president during one of our worst economic downturns, the panic of 1837. But due to his leadership (or in spite of it) America survived, and some would say (but not this guy) thrived, becoming a great nation.

How did America survive? Sacrifice and Hard Work. How does the VP know this? Marty. He was there, and has prospered ever since. So being the great American he is, he has offered some advice. So here it is:

Marty's Guide to surviving the Panic of 2008

Sacrifice. Sadly, that word is lost in most Americans lexicon. Americans are used to excess, and asking them to give up anything is a laborious process. Remember the whole movement to conserve energy in the 70s? I do, and let me tell you something: worked for like a week. I also recall the great gooseberry scare of the 50s. The 1850s. Not fun. I haven't seen riots like that in some time. Thousands Tarred, and not even bothered to be feathered. Americans didn't want to give up gooseberries, even if science determined they cause internal bleeding and violent gas outbreaks.

It is hard to give up things you like. But I have come up with a plan. Americans must give up three things. Just three little things that I feel are important to most, but in reality aren't. My ideas may be out of step, but tough times call for tough measures. Will America be ready for this? Doubtful. But I feel that history will look back at these ideas as brilliant. They always do.

1. Running Water

The VP estimates that his water bill is about 30 dollars enough. Hogwash! Do you know how much water is around him. There are creeks, rivers, lakes, and oceans. O.K. well not oceans. But he could easily take a bucket, dip it into the creek, and BAM! water problem solved. That's what they do in Africa, and last time I checked they were fine. Showers? Overrated. Who needs to wash clothes anyway? They are just going to get dirty again. And instead of washing dishes, how about reusing them? I did it, and I am 226.

2. Cable T.V.

Cable T.V. can run over 1oo bucks a months? And for what. Celebracadabra? Has anyone seen this show? It has celebrities doing magic!!!! Let me repeat that, C. Thomas Howell and Kid from Kid and Play doing magic! Why?!!!! And I won't even get started of the NFL Draft. I think that Mel Kiper been banned as torture for U.S. prisoners.

3. Toilet Paper

According to my Estimates, Americans spend 3, 1o6 dollars on toilet paper a year. You know what we could do instead? Use the pages from Dr. Phil's book. Or the biography of William Henry Harrison ( I have for years). It may hurt a little bit, but part of it feels so good.

There you have it. I have just saved the average American over 5,ooo dollars a year if they follow these tips. I wasn't elected president for just my looks!