Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Revelation Time!

I just had an Epic revelation. So Epic I had to blog it out!

It always annoyed me how Yoda talked. What is with his predicate-subject speech pattern? Was the English curriculum written by a dyslexic at Degabah High? Did all the years of breathing noxious gases in the swamp warp his fragile green mind. For years it always gnawed at me. Why the hell did he talk like that?

Then, due to his dire needs to escape poverty George Lucas made 3 more Star Wars. Yet it still did not answer my question. In fact it answered none of the questions I wanted, or cared to know about.

I didn't care that Yoda had to seek refuge in a swamp. Did I need to know that Boba Fett had daddy issues? Nope. Was it really necessary for me to see Chewbacca's humble beginnings? Nope. Darth Vader needed a ventilator because he got in a fight? Who cares! I just want to know why Yoda talked like he did!

All these loose ends seemed to make the old movies less special for me. They took out all the fun of using my imagination to ponder these intergalactic queries. My revelation? The new Stars Wars movies sucked! It took me a decade to figure it out.

At least they didn't try to solve one mystery for me: the origins of Admiral Akbar. I like to think that he failed out of film school, took a job ferrying moon shirts between galaxies, then through his skills evading customs caught the eye of a rebel leader. Plausible? Maybe. Winning? Yes.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Monday, May 17, 2010


Was his music super cheesy? Yes.
Did it have weird images of scourers and demons and what not? Heck Yes
Was he the first to use the metal "horns"? Hell Yes
Not matter how hard I deny it, is "Holy Diver" one hell of a catchy tune? Fuck Yes
It was a great run Ronnie...started as a mere mortal in Cortland and ended as Metal God.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Who loves his wife...this guy!

One of the most annoying things that can happen when you are running late for work is to get behind a driver going 20 mph below the speed limit. What makes it even worse is when they have an asinine bumper sticker.

The aforementioned scenario (listen to me, I sound like George Will!) happened to yours truly recently. The bumper sticker: "I love my wife".

What is the need for this bumper sticker? I love my wife too, but I don't need a bumper sticker to show it. Is this guy a total douche, and has to put it on his car to please his wife? Did he sleep with hooker? Does he occasionally forget, but when returning from the grocery store, the back of his car reminds him? WTF! I don't doubt that this ass bag loves his wife, I just don't care. It makes me want to remove my "Follow me to Jimmy's Pizza" bumper sticker from my New Yorker a decade ago. All this was going through my head at 30 mph on Route 9!

But what made it worthy of being posted on my blog was this; after passing the car, I glanced over, and this is what stared back at me:

Ahhhhhh! I think it was Gene Shalit! Or a really ugly woman! What ever it was, it freaked me out! I couldn't focus on the road! I have just typed numerous exclamation points! I managed to survive physically unharmed, but mentally I was a mess. I still have that vision of Shalit seared in my brain. Damn You Gene Shalit, you've done it again!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Purple and Gold

There is no way the Vikes can lose this weekend. No, it has nothing to do with Brett Farve's "River Boat Gambling" or Pat Williams ingesting a small child to help him stop the run. It's all Prince baby. The number 1 Vikings fan's new "Purple and Gold" anthem is his hottest work since "Bat Dance". With a jam like this, the Aint's have no chance...unless Harry Connick Jr. steps it up. Owwww!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Merry Christmas

Still Deciding whether Bob Dylan's new Christmas Album is a joke. You Decide...